Conflict has always been especially daunting for me. It’s not something most relish in. However, I’ve been considering how my upbringing and social anxiety have shaped how I view, experience and handle conflict. Admittedly, my conflict management skills are severely lacking. So, I’ve been strategizing ways to better navigate this through best practices. I hope that you can take away something from this introspective work.

A key factor of social anxiety is avoidant behavior, a protective measure against social situations or stressors that have proven to be discomforting. Naturally, this will factor in to how I, and others with social anxiety approach conflict. But this alone isn’t the sole reason I’ve had difficulty navigating conflict. The reason I am only now trying to address this issue is because for most of my life I didn’t believe my conflict approach was problematic.

Social anxiety aside, I was deliberately raised to be conflict avoidant. I vividly remember my mom constantly steering me in the direction of passivity when I was in conflict with my brother. Understandably, after a certain point our screaming matches over ridiculous things like who would control our shared TV became too much for our parents. I rarely could get through an argument without breaking down into tears (which unfortunately is still the case today). As a result, I, the meeker and more emotional sibling, was swayed into being the “bigger person.”

I was taught to walk away and disengage from my brother whenever a fight began brewing. Additionally, we were purposefully isolated from each other, lessening our interactions and leaving little to argue about. This process reinforced the avoidance I would soon find myself opting for. It took a while for me to master ignoring him when we did bump heads. But, I learned, ignoring him and others when arguments began to bubble up, prevented anything from boiling over, although this solved nothing.

From church leaders, and teachers to family members, the message of turning the other cheek was romanticized. And I in turn embraced it wholeheartedly. I was often doted on for being shy and amenable, traits often praised in girlhood. I was one of the “good girls.” Simultaneously, I was astutely aware of how my identity played into how I was perceived. I felt a need to offset negative expectations of how girls and women who looked like me usually behaved. The black womanhood I was growing into was often posited as the opposite of grace, gentility, and refinement by society at large. Stereotypes often depicted black girls and women as loud and callous amongst other things with negative connotations. The tendency of others to believe I didn’t embody these stereotypes, simply because I was quiet, undoubtedly served as a source of approval for me in my younger years.

As a pre-teen, I remember trying my hardest to be particularly kind to people who would constantly throw these stereotypes about black women and girls in my face. I tried to distance myself from and disprove these stereotypes by not reacting to their verbal abuse in the way they’d expect me to. As someone who grew up going to predominantly white schools, I can recall many moments when this played out. However, these experiences were extremely taxing. I can recall countless moments where I should’ve spoke up for myself but didn’t out of discomfort with conflict and not wanting to be labelled as angry. My investment in respectability politics and genuine fear of conflict resulted in me developing an uncanny ability to ignore, buckle, and dissociate my way through it all.

As an adult, deciding daily whether to stand up to street harassment, managing staff in the throes of conflict and navigating arguments in intrapersonal relationships, now is a prime time to prioritize bettering my conflict skills. More than anything, I want to be able to communicate with finesse, confidence, and care, especially when in conflict with people I care for deeply. So how do I, the avoider of all thing’s arguments with social anxiety begin to navigate conflict comfortably and confidently in an adult context? I can’t simply tip toe around tough conversations, roll over to the whims of others, smile in the face of disrespect or explode into tears anymore. These are some practices that have recently helped me in handling conflict particularly with loved ones. Let me know any of your best practices in the comments below.

  1. Use I feel statements – (“I felt… when you…”) Owning your emotions is an essential practice in conflict. Feelings are not facts, but thoughtfully expressing emotions can allow for empathy and understanding to flow. This is something that can be asked of all parties involved.
  2. Call out actions not character – (“What you did was selfish,” versus “You are selfish”) A common mistake, in arguments oftentimes we label or define people by their behaviors. This can feel like a formal accusation on one’s character. People are more than their shortcomings/mistakes. Avoiding this is a best practice in keeping focus on the situation at hand and avoiding character assassination. Demanding the same in return is also a given.
  3. Listen and expect the same in return – To be heard we must listen. Feeling unheard is something we can all relate to. Listening to understand rather than listening to respond can also contribute to more productive conversation. Practicing and expecting active listening from all parties from the beginning is a wonderful way place to start when addressing conflict.
  4. Decompress, recharge, and take breaks – For my fellow criers, it can be hard to get across what you’re trying to say effectively through tears. Oftentimes tears can even be interpreted as a means of self-victimization. Taking a mental or physical break from the situation to gather your thoughts can be helpful. Whether you’re taking a moment away to engage in breathwork or taking a night to sleep on it, taking your time through conflict is essential. Also, if a situation needs to be immediately addressed, holding space for yourself to cry without self-judgement is necessary. Explaining to others what you’re feeling and where your tears are coming from can be helpful too.
  5. Practice – Going hand in hand with breaks, giving thought to your argument and practicing what you need to say is a great way to lessen anxiety. I often will write my thoughts down and piece through them before or during conflict. Journaling through the emotions tied to a conflict can aid in releasing them. Lastly, practicing alone in a mirror what you need to say can help build confidence and assurance in your message.
  6. State boundaries and stick to them – Providing clarity to others about what you cannot tolerate during arguments is essential. Whether it’s tone of voice, or the space and time an argument may take place, laying out what is an isn’t conducive to healthy conflict for you is important. Of course, the boundaries of others must be considered and respected as well. If boundaries are violated, then you have every right to disengage or protect yourself.
  7. Reflect – No conflict is perfect. Finding common ground can be an ongoing process. Conflict, while uncomfortable can provide grounds to learn and grow upon through a healthy approach, respect for all parties and a commitment to self-advocacy.

I thought I found strength in passivity, but it was actually cowardice. It stunted my growth and heightened my tolerance for disrespect and mistreatment. For a time, I shielded myself from deeper connections because a fear of being vulnerable to the damage those closest to me could do. Conflict will never be easy, but it can be productive, restorative or at the very least something to learn from. I hope abiding by these sentiments will help me and others face conflict with confidence.

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