Lately I’ve had to interrogate this. I’ve always experienced phone anxiety to a degree but never gave it much thought until recently. Lately I’ve wanted to call loved ones more often. And while I make plans to do this, I usually procrastinate or fail to follow through. Rather than defaulting to my usual excuses, I think it’s time to make some small yet meaningful changes in how I view and approach phone calls.
Anyone who knows me well knows I’ve always hated talking on the phone…
As a kid, I remember my mom barging into my room with her phone in hand, mouthing to me that so and so wanted to talk to me. I’d begrudgingly take the receiver, feeling butterflies over abruptly having to make conversation with someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while.
We would awkwardly go through the typical questions about how school was going and what my grades were looking like. I’d try my best to keep the conversation going as my mom watched me expectantly. Most kids would be excited about phone call from a favorite relative that lived far that was excited to talk to them. But I was mostly nervous and awkward, waiting for the appropriate time to give my mom her phone back.
Although it will never be my preferred method of communicating, I recognize the utility of phone calls now more than ever. I’ve talked to my therapist on the phone every other Thursday for the past year. I hated the idea of teletherapy at first. But at the start of the pandemic, it was the only comfortable and safe option for us both. And I chose it because I recognized the value of talking to a human voice despite distance. Over time I learned the convenience of teletherapy is unmatched.
So with that being said…
Why am I still reluctant? Here are a few reasons that come to mind. While these reasons may sound trivial and even ridiculous to some, I want to try break down why I and others might experience this anxiety:
That ring…
When the phone rings, you have limited time to pick up and often don’t know why the other person’s calling. When it’s a number I don’t recognize, I usually won’t bother answering. It’s like when you receive an unexpected visitor at your door. I was raised to never to answer the door for strangers and still won’t. My first thoughts when a stranger is at the door are usually: Why is this person here and what do they want? As impolite as it may be, I usually think the same thing when I see unknown caller pop up on my phone screen.
My nerves aren’t reserved only for phone calls from strangers. The surge of anxiety I get when my mother calls me unexpectedly is usually uncalled for. Often my first instinct is worry. I’m thinking: why is she reaching out? Is she upset? Is there bad news? Meanwhile she’s calling to know where I am, or if I can bring something home from Target.
There’s something about phone conversations that feels almost forced. When talking to someone in person, there can be beats of silence throughout that feel natural. But those beats of silence during phone calls can be deafening. Even so, I’ve struggled to know when and how to end a call when there’s nothing left to say.
And don’t even get me started on initiating phone calls. It’s like initiating conversation, something I always struggled with, but without the proper social cues that being in person offers you. From body languages to facial expressions, there are so many things you miss through a regular phone call.
Even Facetime…
With FaceTime, I’m conscious of what I look like. I have to look presentable while also looking natural. How much smiling is too much smiling? What angles should I use? I have to make sure that my space is presentable. Most of the time I’m looking at myself in the camera to make sure everything is in order.
I feel like phone calls are just another method of communication that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of. But I don’t want my anxiety to result in negligence on my part in maintaining important relationships. So here are some things that haver been helpful for me in addressing my phone anxiety.
What’s helped me:
- Calling people you’re most comfortable with more often.
- Talking to the people you are most comfortable with is helpful in building confidence. Having phone calls more frequently make them feel more normal and can decreases their significance overtime.
- Making calendar reminders for calling relatives and other important people.
- Receiving a reminder on your phone to call someone important makes it feel more pressing, which can increase follow through.
- Thinking about what you’ll say beforehand
- I usually reserve this act for professional calls but I’m starting to realize that jotting down notes before hand for any call can help during flustered moments
- Practicing clever ways to end phone calls
- Unsurprisingly, I’ve gotten increasingly comfortable with this overtime, as I’m always looking for an out when it comes to phone calls. I’ll usually say something like “Well, I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.” This suggests that by ending the call you are doing the other person a favor, while not seeming like you simply are done with the conversation.
For anyone else with phone anxiety, what do you do to better handle it?! Let me know in the comments below.