This is a diary entry I wrote a few weeks ago when I was running around NYC for a week through rain and snow to attend NYFW castings. I was STRESSED but duly excited:
NYFW Prep
Going into fashion week, the Olympics of modeling, my stress levels are at an all time high. I was recently signed to a larger scale modeling agency. As a result the influx of castings, I’ve received is unprecedented for me. This along with starting a new job has been a lot to deal with mentally. I’m super excited and grateful. But at moments I’ve felt stretched beyond my limits and depleted.
Ultimately, this is what I signed up for. It’s an immense privilege to be able to participate at all. But on the flip side, anxiously awaiting emails, texts regarding bookings, last minute cancellations, etc. has taken a toll. One moment you can be happily awaiting to walk in a show you were fitted for in the morning, just for it to be suddenly cancelled, but you still have to save face and show up for the next casting or fitting and hope that your luck is better.
Picking me
I’ve been fighting so hard with myself to leave my cuticles alone, but I can’t lie it’s becoming increasingly difficult. My cuticles have become a hot spot for picking as they aren’t super noticeable. Sometimes I cave and I’m very conscious of the results. I’m going to be in front of countless cameras in the coming days. I’ll be conscious to not flaunt my hands and keep them out of focus. But, I’m choosing to not be hardon myself. The damage could be much worse. I’m going through a lot personally outside of what I’ve mentioned above. All I can, hope for is this sacrifice paying off.
Reality
I’ve been modeling for a few years. I was ready to walk away from it all some months ago until I was contacted by my current agency. It’s difficult putting yourself out there in an industry that you love but doesn’t love you in return. Exploitative practices are the norm and understood as par for course if you want to get anywhere. I’m glad I’m finally in a position to be making financial gains from this work because to be frank for a while I wasn’t.
At first modeling was a fun pass-time and its slowly evolving into something much more, more than I ever imagined for myself. Modeling for me has been an outlet for the past few years and has allowed me, a girl who grew up with lower than average self confidence and worth to not only have my beauty be celebrated but now compensated.
My Why
It’s crazy to think that I once was someone who wouldn’t dream of stepping on a runway in front of hundreds. On the flip side, I’m sometimes amazed and confused as to where this confidence came from. When I’m standing nervously backstage before its my turn to walk, I often think how did I even get here? But I always feel a sense of calm and joy when it’s over. Pre-anxiety, I was a quietly confident child. Although it wavered in adolescence, the self-confidence of my younger years never abandoned me. Anxiety made me lose sight of it for a time. But modeling and other forms of expression help me reacquaint myself with confidence, self love and appreciation.
What Beauty Is
I still walk into these spaces with scars caused by my dermatillomania. But rather than carrying the deep shame that often accompanies these scars into those places, I choose to walk in with my head up high. Perfection is overrated anyways. Authenticity and honesty is beauty.
I feel like now is a better time than ever to be a model, where inclusivity and diversity is at the forefront. But I know that trends change rapidly and this industry is fickle. With the time I have left working as model I hope to represent people like me with dignity. But, ultimately I see modeling as a means to an end.
My Mission
I believe that with the platforms I’ve been building, people will be interested in what I have to say which can allow me to spread the message of mental health awareness and care. Even though I am operating in an industry that can cause me and others harm, this platform and space to speak up about mental health and awareness is my ultimate healing. I hope to never lose sight of that no matter where this takes me.
UPDATE: Now (after fashion week) I’m feeling more grounded and finally getting the rest I’ve been desperately needing. I’m super grateful for what I was able to do despite a lot less than favorable circumstances. Now that I know what to expect out of fashion week being signed to this agency, I’m going to make sure to be more conscious of what I’m doing to support and care myself physically and mentally next season. I’m looking forward to what’s to come next fashion week!
To follow my modeling journey follow me on Instagram here or check out my Instagram mental health blog here
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